Dear anonymous reader, 

Happy Chinese New Year everyone. It's 2021 already. I've started my Phd for a year and 4 months. Still, no good output yet. I can't help but start doubting myself. Maybe this is not meant for me? My next milestone deadline is in August, with the time passing that fast really boost my anxiety to the max level. I don't know what's the right thing to do, how do I get past this? It's new year, but I'm so occupied by all this stress and I don't really have the mood for anyone :( 

Dear God, please give me the strength and wisdom to get through this. 

I got no other option other than believing I can pull this off. Just keep swimming, I guess?

Hang in there!

Hello peeps!

It's been a while since my last post. Things have been crazy, especially this year. Due to this pandemic, my boyfriend and I were separated for almost 6 months, and a lot of my friends were stranded overseas, unable to reunite with their families. This is a long fight, and I really hope everyone can make it and win it together. 

Since the campus was closed, classes and meetings have to be carried online. This could be my longest working streaks without any breaks since I started my PhD. I'm used to working at home, but when it's official now, I feel sinful if I ever enjoyed my weekend a little too much. While the stress kept piling up, I start to wonder, what's the destination of this? Will I finally let myself stop and take a breath when I got my PhD? Honestly, it doesn't feel that way. It seems I've been racing with time to get my things done on time and I've been neglecting people around me including myself. I feel tired but I do not know how to stop. 

Everything feels like an obligation to me. I just really hope to take a break from everything and everyone, just let me be me for a while, alone. I know I'll get better eventually, I just have to make my way there. But when will that happen? Who knows. 

Perhaps, fake it till you make it? 

From a tired soul

Death of Passion

Just about the time I doubt myself, I saw this post. I guess issues do come one after one if the root cause is not solved. What do you mean by doing stuff you 'should' do? Everything is like an obligation. The post said, passion dies when you starts to pay lesser and lesser attention to it and even ignores it due to a 'greater call'. Funny, mine is not even born.

What am I under these so called principles? Who am I? Why am I structured this way? Can I quit?

Keep Swimming

Finally clear off few tasks from my checklist. Hope things goes well for my master and I'll be able to wrap it up before December. I'll just do my best. Next Friday will be the start of something new. I can sort of enjoy the last two weeks of holiday while preparing my slides.

And three more weeks to go! Looking forward to it :)

Stagnant

Back to blogging again. Not very proud with my progress. Been a little dispirited and demotivated. Anyways, kinda looking forward to the new chapter I'm starting in Monash in the coming November. Maybe that's the distraction I need right now. Still left a little bit here and there for my master studies, don't enjoy the process where I know what I need to do but you can't finish all at once. Patience. Patience. Patience. Things will get there eventually. Have faith!

Feel guilty to push my work aside while I drown myself in this big self-pitying pool. Not the usual me but some days I just need it so badly. I'll find my way back anyway, just needed some me time. Left two more weeks of the holiday which I sort of started since last July.

Still the same old question: When will the sun shines again?

Attempt

Back to this space again. Been a little sentimental yesterday, but I found something interesting. Just a small quote to share with myself, don't wait things to get better, enjoy every moment. Funny, I've been telling myself to enjoy the moment two years back then. Guess I haven't achieve that yet. The thing is, I've been feeling that my life is in idle. Like someone pauses it and I've been waiting for him to come back so I can continue my life. But this is so wrong. I should learn to look forward to this temporary new lifestyle. I bet this is another challenge God gave to me, it's time for me to learn new lesson. It's okay to be emotional sometimes, but I'll find a way out. Explore and build my side of stories and he will build his. That's how we create more memories.

Well, trying to see that in a more positive way. Let's see how it goes.

I know you can do it.

Unannounced

Just like that, the usual becomes the unusual. Little things become something you can't possible achieve right now. Yet, all you can do is just picking yourself up and forcing yourself to move on. Some days are easy, well, most days are dreadful. I wonder when will I get used to it. It is a good sign to get used to it? I can only assure myself, it is. 

There's nothing more vague than faith. I don't count the days because it gives you expectations and hope. But time just goes by so so so slowly and getting myself busy hardly do the trick. I guess that's just how it is now. 

Another day, another battle.